Who said life is fair? Growing up you think life is fair and that one day you’ll earn your right. I witnessed it all. Sad feelings – so many sad feelings. Relatives dying, people leaving for better lives, uncertainty in a country whose destiny is uncertain, and generally not knowing what is to come of us – a poor struggling family waiting for a refuge that never arrives.
Yes we should be exalted. Exalted that we have survived the uncertain and that we are still healthy and alive. This is a letter to myself and so I just want to express my inner feelings of desertion. You think of payback all your life. But when the time comes for it, you wonder whether it is really worth it. And so you let it go but those sad feelings – the feelings that provide the urge for payback never leave you. They’ve left a permanent mark on your inner soul. Forgiveness is a virtue and surely it helps treat unilaterally. You forgive because it is the right thing to do. But does it really heal you? Not me.
Baptisms of fire! Yes that’s what we really went through. Yet I wonder how much I owe my God and feel guilty again about these feelings. Am I permitted to think of this? Should I be raging a war against myself? Why not? Perhaps it is the only way to fight the negativity. We try to be positive because nothing comes out of a negative outlook. But thinking positive does not mean negativity has left you. It’s always there – deep inside your roots. It’s taken time for it to grow and nothing is going to remove its roots. Yes you can deny its existence and overshadow it by pretending it does not exist but it is still there.
Someone hurts you deep and hurts the ones you love. Then when hurt and pain hits them or the ones they love, you sympathize with them. You cry for them and feel bad for their pain and then again you think: this person hurt me and the pain is still in me and it’s not leaving me anytime soon. It just grows deeper every day because nothing will take it away.
Life can be many things for different people. For me, it has been different baptisms of fire.
Should I blame you for leaving me? It wasn’t even your fault. And then whose fault was it? Was it mine? You just can’t seem to find someone to blame. People rage wars against one another but then who’s to blame? They were all fighting for their right.
A young boy feeling anxious about destiny and whether tomorrow will come and if it does come, will he still be alive? Can he stand up for the right? What right? People look at it now and say: that is normal. This is what life brings. You’re thinking negative. Be positive! Be positive! So perhaps we should just learn to adjust to the pain. Maybe we should make pain our friend and happiness our enemy. Because it seems our efforts to push it away have so far been fruitless. So we should embrace it. Embrace the pain that never leaves. The pain that’s meant to haunt our lives.
Will I ever see you again? I can’t blame you but yet I feel like you’ve abandoned me. Every thing would have been different hadn’t you done so. And then how can I blame you? It wasn’t even your fault. You did not enjoy the moments that I’m enjoying right now. You didn’t enjoy me and you didn’t enjoy my accomplishments. And I couldn’t rejoice in my own achievements. But what can I change? Nothing. Tears won’t take these sad feelings. Nothing ever will! So might as well just write about it and hope that one day the pain bids me farewell.
Where are the genuine?